Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
wow bdsm is so cute
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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