omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize