there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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