Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
