Is it because I queefed?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
