I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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