I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
