You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
