I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
