y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
