I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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