Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
