she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
