Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
