he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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