Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
