Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
