ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
