I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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