I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
