saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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