Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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