I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
two words...techno handjob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize