we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is Oprah even human
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
