I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
