i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
