im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
