I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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