They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
false alarm. still invincible.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
