You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
