i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize