The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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