11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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