i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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