I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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