bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
