I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
