I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Randomize
