I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
