I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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