Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
