Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
