I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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