Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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