new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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