you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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