I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
