i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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