It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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