I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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