after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
