my phone needs a breathalizer
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
