she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
