Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
