Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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