What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
