you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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