Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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