my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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